For those of you who are less skilled in arcade action games such as the popular "
Alex's JavaPoke," this game's for you! Just sit back and relax, knowing that all your Alex's-eye-poking needs will be taken care of by your computer in the convenience of your own home.
Hard-working Alex works 'round the clock to serve you, dear customer. In fact, Alex pokes himself in the eye once every 1.27 seconds! That means he pokes himself:
47 times every minute
2834 times every hour
68031 times every day
476220 times every week
1904881 times every month
24831496 times every year!
Copyright © 1997–2020 A Couple of Dorky Guys Enterprises.
What does that mean to you, the viewer and eye-poking enthusiast?
devices, dark matter, wormholes, interdimensional rifts, temporal anomalies, lost galaxies, and/or kittens are protected under federal law.
Hmm? What's that?
Oh, you want to know
which federal law? Um... number 8.
Yeah, number 8! You know, the one about not stealing stuff from pokealexintheeye.com.
I think Congress passed it back in like... 1942 or something.
Yeah, it says something about being ostracized from the internet and chewed by very large people with leather masks for 200 years.
Um... fine, you got us. We have no idea what federal laws are actually governing web content.
We would've actually had a real lawyer come up with this tag, but man are they expensive.
Like, waaaay more money than anybody involved with this website could possibly ever afford.
We're relatively poor people, despite having what might called "successful" careers in the information technology arena.
Do you have any idea how much student loan payments can actually cost a person, even after twenty years?
Two words come to mind: "Poverty" and "Sandwich." Hmm... come to think of it, maybe I'm just hungry.
Oh! I found this fantastic deli downtown, that just got put in on the corner of Garden and West. You know, where the old alligator repair shop
used to be? Yeah, that place went out of business. (Surprisingly, it wasn't because of a lack of
customers... I hear the owner, Mr. Phlegm, was involved in some sort of international conspiracy
that had something to do with all those Russian exchange students that were arrested last month.
He got taken off to jail or something and they tore down the alligator repair shop, which
kind of irks me because my favorite alligator was still in there. It had been giving me problems, so I gave it
to Mr. Phlegm, and he told me it was nothing serious, like a couple of loose belts and maybe a
rusted sparkplug or two. Well, he had to order the parts and stuff so he told me it wouldn't be
ready until Tuesday, and then all of a sudden guys from the CIA are asking him to go with them to
Washington. At least, I think they were with the CIA; my friends tell me that everybody
in the CIA wears a black ski mask and a large purple felt hat with a turquoise feather in it.
One of the guys had pantyhose on his head, so I guess he was probably with the FBI.
I guess it was pretty important that they knew who I was, because they asked for my wallet to make sure I had proper
identification. I don't want anybody from the CIA thinking I'm some sort of conspirator or anything, so I cheerily
handed it right over. At that point I guess I fell asleep—I most definitely was not hit with a tire iron—because the next
thing I knew I was waking up in a hospital bed with a really bad headache and my legs in traction.
That's when I met the wonderful person who changed my life... a beautiful nurse that would be my ray of sunshine in my darkest days.
I'll never forget that nurse's name: Stanley. She was about three feet tall, with a full red beard and a creamy nougat center.
I didn't mind that she had seven extra knuckles on her left pointer finger, I'm willing to put aside petty differences if it means true love.
Stanley and I eventually moved to the new apartment complex on Elmwood Drive where we rent a smashing two-bedroom bungalow with cloud
dishwasher access and a remote control shower. Now I can finally get all my favorite Afghanistanian game shows, like "Akhmed Miller's Wacky Camel-Painting Hour."
I've got almost every episode on tape but I'm really excited about the DVD collection that's coming out. They tell me there's extra footage from the episode where Mrs.
Hershberger eats thirty-eight airplane tires and a whole Big Mac. Boy, I'd sure hate to
be the plumber at that house! Hah. Gee, I've really sidetracked. What was I
talking about? Oh right, medieval English monarchs. Did you know Henry V died of dysentery? He was in
power from 1413 to 1422, and was going to be heir to the French throne. He also had a very silly
haircut and a particularly bad driver's license photo. Yep. Sigh. So.... what's going on with you? I've been
going on and on about nothing in particular and you haven't said a word. By the way, I must
commend you for your dedication if you've read this far.) Oh! We must warn you... the creators of
Poke Alex in the Eye: The Game in no way condone or promote actually poking people in the
eye. What you do in free time behind closed doors is your business, but we can't have people
going around stabbing each other's eyeballs out and them blaming it on us. How bad would we look
if there was a sudden epidemic of head lice and everybody claimed to have caught it from our
website? Actually, that's not really relevant. I guess those types of things can't be transmitted virutally by a website. Why do you keep changing the subject? I hate when
people can't stay on one topic for more than five seconds. Like this one guy I know. His name is
Jennifer and he has the biggest set of outboard motor cords I've ever seen. "Old Jennifer
Outboard Motor Cord," we used to call him. Of course, that was back in the day when a bottle of
orange juice only cost three cents. They couldn't get rid of oranges fast enough that year, what
with the war on. Simpsons reference! So you see what I'm trying to say here. This website is a lot of fun if you know how to treat it right. I guess even if you
don't treat it right, it won't care because it's a website. All
characters in Poke Alex in the Eye: The Game are entirely fictional, and any similarity
to actual persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. Except for Alex.
I apologize for all of that. I wrote it in my twenties.